Are You Looking For Me

Are you looking for me? I'm looking for you. I looked for you yesterday. I look for you everyday. As the train speeds past me I look at the spaces between the cars and faintly, I see you. I see you when I'm leafing through a book about my life and there you are always smiling and warming everything in ur path.
Though I know i won't find you I still anticipate bumping into you. Looking for your face in the crowd. Listening for your voice in this huge vociferous city. It seems like I'll never hear you, but there you are at every corner and in every word it utters.
As I walk through the days that are marked by my steps I contemplate the day your steps won't be too far behind mine. Sooner rather than later you'll catch up. Then I'll not only see the warmth in your smile I'll feel the passion in your lips and realize that your hands miss me as much as my heart misses you.
For now I'm gonna keep on searching. I'm gonna write this moment in time. I'm gonna hold it close and save it. I'm gonna find a way to make it. I'm gonna find that moment when we share that lasting embrace and show my love is eternal.

And I am Telling You

So this wknd has been a humongous eye opener. I Am A Mother. Ok, I know most people know that but i certainly didn't feel like one. I felt more like a father. Let me explain, I hope some Dads don't get offended out there.

Dads don't kiss booboo's or speak "baby talk" to their kids. They don't cut the crust off and they always have the "it's better to be tough than a sissy" mentality. I have always said that I'm not a natural mother. That i have to try too hard to be nurturing and engaging when it comes to my sons creativity. I thought I was like my father, A provider. Not that he didn't love me but my impression of him wasn't nurturing. Not until i got older. So i thought of myself as a provider of things like shoes, clothes, school supplies, gifts on Christmas. I have always seen how hard i work to bring home the bacon just to buy more bacon. But inside i always wanted my son to run to me when i walked in through the door. I used to when i saw my Dad and I thought i was my Dad so why not.

Well I realized this wknd that my son runs to me in his own way. That he prefers to hang on my every word and at he has to have some part of his body touching mine at all times. He's curious as to where I'm going and who I'm talking to. Text msgs and email are read over my shoulder and I can't be out of his site for more than 2min or he's screaming for Mami like he needs air. I don't know why it took me 8yrs to notice this.

I was jealous of his dad for some time. But he can't give him what I can. He may not run to me when i walk in the door but I hear him take flight when he hears me speak. I see his eyes light up when we make dinner together and I tell him how great it taste. At night he hugs me so tight and tells me to stay with him so he can have sweet dreams. And I am telling you I'm not going nowhere.

I feel pretty and witty and gaaaay

I, like my former cohort Mrs. Brainbombs have begun a similar transformation. I have decided that it's not enough to say that I'm going to better my depressing behavior but to actually do it. I have a few theories as to why I feel like a black hole will swallow me at any given moment and my son will be left to fend for himself in Florida with his father (perish the thought). The thought of that alone has driven me to change my outlook on life. So here is my plan.

Appearance (least important but, makes a difference): I have to say that I don't take much care of my outside appearance. I hate brushing my hair. I never wear makeup and I only just begun to pluck my eyebrows because some of my more feminine friends insisted that I become a "woman". (yeah, cause that's gonna do it.) My clothing is a little more exciting than a teacher for more than 15 yrs. I'm very basic and don't like loud colors. I stick to black, navy and occasionally throw in a splash of color but it's not often. I have a serious amount of shoes that I adore but I never wear them because I have nuthing to go with them. Not to mention I don't go anywhere either.

Attitude (now this one it hard but gratifying): I'm just down right surly some times. I don't want to be bothered if I'm not in a good mood. Ok, lots of people are moody but I am beyond reproach at times. I have devised a plan. When I wake up in the morning and I want to kill someone on site I TRY to smile or speak (preferable with someone I can stomach) or at least be approachable. I make myself smile (it hurts so bad) and laugh at things I wouldn't usually even allow to enter my space of consciousness. In other words I become engaging. No matter how much it hurts or how annoyed I become I smile.
I smile because people at my job have become intrigued as to why. They don't understand how I walked in with no expression on my face or a good morning from my lips in the past but now it's; HAHAHAHAAAAAA, or morning! Have a great day and all that jazz. I have really fucked them up with this transformation of myself and I have to say, I like it.

Happy Holidays!

MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND A
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

F-ing Giants!

Ok, many people don't know this but, I LOVE FOOTBALL. I am a Giants fan...please don't pity me. This weekend I attended my first NFL game. It was awesome. It was the Philadelphia Eagles vs. The NY Giants. I was so amped. These two teams have been rivals for as long as I can remember and they always put on a show for the fans. Having said that let me say that I was appalled at the way the NY Giants played. There were so many mistakes and missed opportunities. I was so disgusted that I was witnessing my team spit on their playoff hopes.
They made good things happen but squandered opportunities by not following through with putting points on the board. They settled for field goals instead of making it happen in the red zone and converting all that hard work down the field to points. Aside from Tiki Barber being grossly misused last night our defense was tired and sluggish. They weren't the defensive team that the Giants had been. I know that Strahan is out and Petigou is too (two very important players on defense) but, they have won games with out them and last night should have been no different. The penalties KILLED us. Everytime we made a huge gain on yards they undid the good with a silly penalty. Our quaterback is a gutless wonder. He had an opportunity to run in a touchdown and opted to throw and could have gotten picked off. He shows no emotion and definitely no leadership. Peyton he is not. But he is not the one to blame for this lose.
They played sloppy. That's the bottom line. Our defense couldn't hold the Eagles down. McQuaters couldn't cover me if he tried. He allowed Westbrook score the go ahead TD. Westbrook, Smith and Garcia were all over the place. Making plays and putting hearts on the scrimmage line every time they had a down. Tiki Barber allowed Trent Cole to catch the tipped throw by not swatting the football to the ground or getting cole away from the ball. A little nudge would have probably done the job. We all know he's capable of a nudge when he saw the ball being tipped. It was a long way home. Damned Eagle fans chanting E A G L E S and flapping their arms like birds.
I was jealous. I was so jealous that their players knew the importance of this game. Not just for their playoff hopes but for the fans that have stuck by this poorly disciplined team.

I am literally killing myself in this place. I sit here until there is some work to be done. Lately the work has just sat there. I have to leave. I have been saying this for about a year now and I have to get serious about it. Recently the departure of my dear friend Ms. BrainBombs has lit a fire up under my ass. Not to mention another co-worker who won't let me forget that Ms. BrainBombs and I have loads of potential that we are just wasting here.

I've been on the grind though. Times every Sunday and internet on the regular. I have to sneak around constantly just to send a resume out. I'm gonna do it though. My biggest problem was that I didn't know what I wanted to do. I don't know if I'm gonna love it but I'm sticking to physical therapy. I've been going to school forever with that career in mind and I think I should just stick with it.

I love to write but I can't just do that. I'm kinda like a fair weather friend...I write when I'm in a good mood. My Mom says I was born to write. I'm flattered really but, a writer has to practice no matter how well he/she writes. Sometimes I just can't be bothered. Plus who's to say that anyone would actually want to read my stuff?

I just gotta get my ass in gear like I said before.

Let's Partay!

Saturday night. The night of debouchery as I like to call it, It was absolutely fabulous! I really needed a night with my girls.

We got there and of course we got comped. at the door thanks to our resident party girl Danielle (red lipstick). Being able to go out on a Saturday night and only spending about $20 in NYC is a feat in and of it's self, but that's exactly what i did. I have a son so i don't go out with the girls as often as i would like but it was so much fun. I hadn't seen some of the girls in quite a while and it was great to reunite. We were given 2 bottles of crystal on the house and several drinks were paid for each of us (i didn't drink). My 20 was literally spent on gratuities.

I had begun to write a bunch of stuff about that night but honestly the only thing that really sticks out was the smiles and happiness that we gave to each other. Everyone should have friends like these.