Brain Droppings

2010-05-03T13:28:00.001-04:00

Brother brother brother, i feel your energy but i can't hold you.
I can't hold you like your last breath.
I can't hold you like that last word you said to me that lingers between us still.
I can't hold you like that final gaze we had on that last hospital stay.
I try to live for you through me but i still can't capture your zest for life.
Some may think you had no zest at all, but danger was your middle name and
you never knew it until you were in it. You always found your way back home but
of course we could never hold you there for too long. You stayed only until the faces became familiar again and your middle name started to fade. We couldn't keep you, hold you, stop you though we tried. Life had different plans for you.
You taught me that life is just a high that you try to maintain. Whatever gets you there though for you it was danger. You didn't care much for those trying to
keep you from life. So you followed that high and now you can't hold us.
In my heart you will always be whatever you searched for, alive, happy, complete and high.
Brother, brother, brother, i feel your energy and i won't let go.

Pls help me keep others from contracting HIV/AIDS, donate
http://aidswalknewyork2010.kintera.org/foreddie

Happiness

2010-01-14T20:50:00.006-05:00

I am at the edge of darkness. Teetering with the fear that you wouldn't save me if i slipped and plummeted to my death. I know it's not your job to save me, but i want you to. I want you to call my name and have the sound of your lovely voice bring me back to your smile.
I want your loving arms around me. Keeping me safe from harm. I want your intense stare to reach inside me and free me of all the alien sounds. The ones that tell me I'm no good for you for too long. I'm infected with doubt and you can't help that. I try to be confident and make it shine at you like the morning sun creeping from behind the horizon of the urban landscape but light dims with my attempt.
There's a hunger inside me for a happily ever after with you but i'm teetering at the edge and i don't know if you will save us. Yes, i know it's not your job to save us but i want you to.
On the clear days when i see love seeping out of your pores and lust growing in your pants I grow excited and pull away from the edge. Why does lust makes me feel like i'm worth saving? I am more than just a sexual outlet to be plugged. I know you don't feel like this is all I'm good for but, you do like plugging me and i like it when you plug me. It makes me come alive and pull away from the edge of darkness.
I know it's me that needs to stop teetering at the edge of despair. I play with the notion that it's you that needs to save me. But really it's me. I'm the superwoman that has to jump to my rescue when I'm teetering at the edge of the darkness waiting to plummet to my death. It's me that needs recharge myself and not the mass in your pants. But then, as if by magic I think and hold my head high and I know that there's no way possible you could love a woman that has no regard for her self worth and not only do i realize that but i notice that I'm nowhere close to the darkness, i just have my face buried in ur loving embrace.
Happiness is in my hands and i have the power to keep it there, even if it is for the moment that i see my light in your eyes.

The Goose Gets You Loose

2009-11-29T17:09:00.003-05:00

Setting: Dee's house
Ocassion: Denise's Birthday Celebration Part Duex or so
Outcome: Wild and Reckless Abandon

I'm getting too old for this (hangovers). However I'll never be too old for this brand of fun. My homeies are the best. First off, Denise had like 20 parties for her birthday this year. She did turn 30 so i guess it was appropriate to send out her 20's with a bang or multiple bangs as it was. The night began calm and effortless. There was no pressure to go all out and we were in the kitchen as usual having good conversation and genuine laughs. The attendees multiplied and the liquor came out.
First drink consisted of Lemon Smirnoff and Cherry 7Up. I don't know where the idea came from to mix the two but it taste great.
Hahaha,hohoho, hehehe, was all you heard coming from the kitchen. The stories began. OH, do you remember that time we were in Cancun. Yo once when i went to Vagas. Nashville doesn't seem like a place to visit but i had a blast. The stories always give way to remenisent times and then it's TIME FOR A SHOT! We sing Denise Happy Birthday and then it's back to the debauchery.
There's always an old one in the group (that's me) and a young one in the group (that's Lauren). We tell some more stories about how it used to be and how it is now and all along there are interuptions to grab another drink. This time the Goose gets mixed with some cranberry juice. Then a Wii was introduced. Imagine a bunch of 20 and 30 somethings bowling in a living room. A drink in one hand, Wiimote in the other. Everyone telling you, the bowler, not to do it like that and you can't hear them because Alicia Keys latest single is blasting out the speakers and it doesn't help that your singing it at the top of your drunken lungs.
Finally everyone is starting to look a little piqued after a salsa dance off and a mandatory moment of chillin' on the hallway steps to have an enlightening conversation about those who are no longer with us. I get a little misty thinking of my brother but then somebody trips over my body and I totally snap out of it. Of course the fact that half a drink in the big red solo cup is spilled on my shoulder helps.
Time to pack it up and pack it in but not before someone tosses their cookies in the bathroom sink and the birthday girl takes a nap in the tub. Yes, these are the things that normally happen at the gatherings in Dee's house and it doesn't even have to be your birthday! I often feel like we're still kids and the parents are away. It feels so excilerating for some reason. We always help with the clean up and then it's off to our own homes to pass out until the next afternoon. This time though i woke up to me spooning Dee @ 7:30am. I got my stuff and put the slam lock on. Another birthday in the bag...

Are You Looking For Me

2009-11-17T13:47:00.007-05:00

Are you looking for me? I'm looking for you. I looked for you yesterday. I look for you everyday. As the train speeds past me I look at the spaces between the cars and faintly, I see you. I see you when I'm leafing through a book about my life and there you are always smiling and warming everything in ur path.
Though I know i won't find you I still anticipate bumping into you. Looking for your face in the crowd. Listening for your voice in this huge vociferous city. It seems like I'll never hear you, but there you are at every corner and in every word it utters.
As I walk through the days that are marked by my steps I contemplate the day your steps won't be too far behind mine. Sooner rather than later you'll catch up. Then I'll not only see the warmth in your smile I'll feel the passion in your lips and realize that your hands miss me as much as my heart misses you.
For now I'm gonna keep on searching. I'm gonna write this moment in time. I'm gonna hold it close and save it. I'm gonna find a way to make it. I'm gonna find that moment when we share that lasting embrace and show my love is eternal.

And I am Telling You

2009-11-02T01:23:00.008-05:00

So this wknd has been a humongous eye opener. I Am A Mother. Ok, I know most people know that but i certainly didn't feel like one. I felt more like a father. Let me explain, I hope some Dads don't get offended out there.

Dads don't kiss booboo's or speak "baby talk" to their kids. They don't cut the crust off and they always have the "it's better to be tough than a sissy" mentality. I have always said that I'm not a natural mother. That i have to try too hard to be nurturing and engaging when it comes to my sons creativity. I thought I was like my father, A provider. Not that he didn't love me but my impression of him wasn't nurturing. Not until i got older. So i thought of myself as a provider of things like shoes, clothes, school supplies, gifts on Christmas. I have always seen how hard i work to bring home the bacon just to buy more bacon. But inside i always wanted my son to run to me when i walked in through the door. I used to when i saw my Dad and I thought i was my Dad so why not.

Well I realized this wknd that my son runs to me in his own way. That he prefers to hang on my every word and at he has to have some part of his body touching mine at all times. He's curious as to where I'm going and who I'm talking to. Text msgs and email are read over my shoulder and I can't be out of his site for more than 2min or he's screaming for Mami like he needs air. I don't know why it took me 8yrs to notice this.

I was jealous of his dad for some time. But he can't give him what I can. He may not run to me when i walk in the door but I hear him take flight when he hears me speak. I see his eyes light up when we make dinner together and I tell him how great it taste. At night he hugs me so tight and tells me to stay with him so he can have sweet dreams. And I am telling you I'm not going nowhere.

I feel pretty and witty and gaaaay

2007-01-20T10:48:00.000-05:00

I, like my former cohort Mrs. Brainbombs have begun a similar transformation. I have decided that it's not enough to say that I'm going to better my depressing behavior but to actually do it. I have a few theories as to why I feel like a black hole will swallow me at any given moment and my son will be left to fend for himself in Florida with his father (perish the thought). The thought of that alone has driven me to change my outlook on life. So here is my plan.

Appearance (least important but, makes a difference): I have to say that I don't take much care of my outside appearance. I hate brushing my hair. I never wear makeup and I only just begun to pluck my eyebrows because some of my more feminine friends insisted that I become a "woman". (yeah, cause that's gonna do it.) My clothing is a little more exciting than a teacher for more than 15 yrs. I'm very basic and don't like loud colors. I stick to black, navy and occasionally throw in a splash of color but it's not often. I have a serious amount of shoes that I adore but I never wear them because I have nuthing to go with them. Not to mention I don't go anywhere either.

Attitude (now this one it hard but gratifying): I'm just down right surly some times. I don't want to be bothered if I'm not in a good mood. Ok, lots of people are moody but I am beyond reproach at times. I have devised a plan. When I wake up in the morning and I want to kill someone on site I TRY to smile or speak (preferable with someone I can stomach) or at least be approachable. I make myself smile (it hurts so bad) and laugh at things I wouldn't usually even allow to enter my space of consciousness. In other words I become engaging. No matter how much it hurts or how annoyed I become I smile.
I smile because people at my job have become intrigued as to why. They don't understand how I walked in with no expression on my face or a good morning from my lips in the past but now it's; HAHAHAHAAAAAA, or morning! Have a great day and all that jazz. I have really fucked them up with this transformation of myself and I have to say, I like it.

Happy Holidays!

2006-12-29T11:10:00.000-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND A
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

F-ing Giants!

2006-12-18T09:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, many people don't know this but, I LOVE FOOTBALL. I am a Giants fan...please don't pity me. This weekend I attended my first NFL game. It was awesome. It was the Philadelphia Eagles vs. The NY Giants. I was so amped. These two teams have been rivals for as long as I can remember and they always put on a show for the fans. Having said that let me say that I was appalled at the way the NY Giants played. There were so many mistakes and missed opportunities. I was so disgusted that I was witnessing my team spit on their playoff hopes.
They made good things happen but squandered opportunities by not following through with putting points on the board. They settled for field goals instead of making it happen in the red zone and converting all that hard work down the field to points. Aside from Tiki Barber being grossly misused last night our defense was tired and sluggish. They weren't the defensive team that the Giants had been. I know that Strahan is out and Petigou is too (two very important players on defense) but, they have won games with out them and last night should have been no different. The penalties KILLED us. Everytime we made a huge gain on yards they undid the good with a silly penalty. Our quaterback is a gutless wonder. He had an opportunity to run in a touchdown and opted to throw and could have gotten picked off. He shows no emotion and definitely no leadership. Peyton he is not. But he is not the one to blame for this lose.
They played sloppy. That's the bottom line. Our defense couldn't hold the Eagles down. McQuaters couldn't cover me if he tried. He allowed Westbrook score the go ahead TD. Westbrook, Smith and Garcia were all over the place. Making plays and putting hearts on the scrimmage line every time they had a down. Tiki Barber allowed Trent Cole to catch the tipped throw by not swatting the football to the ground or getting cole away from the ball. A little nudge would have probably done the job. We all know he's capable of a nudge when he saw the ball being tipped. It was a long way home. Damned Eagle fans chanting E A G L E S and flapping their arms like birds.
I was jealous. I was so jealous that their players knew the importance of this game. Not just for their playoff hopes but for the fans that have stuck by this poorly disciplined team.

2006-12-08T13:04:00.000-05:00

I am literally killing myself in this place. I sit here until there is some work to be done. Lately the work has just sat there. I have to leave. I have been saying this for about a year now and I have to get serious about it. Recently the departure of my dear friend Ms. BrainBombs has lit a fire up under my ass. Not to mention another co-worker who won't let me forget that Ms. BrainBombs and I have loads of potential that we are just wasting here.

I've been on the grind though. Times every Sunday and internet on the regular. I have to sneak around constantly just to send a resume out. I'm gonna do it though. My biggest problem was that I didn't know what I wanted to do. I don't know if I'm gonna love it but I'm sticking to physical therapy. I've been going to school forever with that career in mind and I think I should just stick with it.

I love to write but I can't just do that. I'm kinda like a fair weather friend...I write when I'm in a good mood. My Mom says I was born to write. I'm flattered really but, a writer has to practice no matter how well he/she writes. Sometimes I just can't be bothered. Plus who's to say that anyone would actually want to read my stuff?

I just gotta get my ass in gear like I said before.

Let's Partay!

2006-11-28T10:38:00.001-05:00

Saturday night. The night of debouchery as I like to call it, It was absolutely fabulous! I really needed a night with my girls.

We got there and of course we got comped. at the door thanks to our resident party girl Danielle (red lipstick). Being able to go out on a Saturday night and only spending about $20 in NYC is a feat in and of it's self, but that's exactly what i did. I have a son so i don't go out with the girls as often as i would like but it was so much fun. I hadn't seen some of the girls in quite a while and it was great to reunite. We were given 2 bottles of crystal on the house and several drinks were paid for each of us (i didn't drink). My 20 was literally spent on gratuities.

I had begun to write a bunch of stuff about that night but honestly the only thing that really sticks out was the smiles and happiness that we gave to each other. Everyone should have friends like these.

What Part of Thanksgiving are you?

2006-11-24T03:30:00.000-05:00

You Are Mashed Potatoes

Oridnary, comforting, and more than a little predictableYou're the glue that holds everyone together.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?
Especially this year.

5 things most people don't know about me

2006-11-24T03:01:00.000-05:00

Five Things Most People Don’t Know About Me:

1) I dance half naked with reckless abandon in my living room when i want to blow off some steam.
2) I'm convinced i have ocd. I bathe excessively and feel filthy almost as soon as i get out of the shower.
3) Staying in the shower theme, I am deathly afraid of sharks. I know your wondering what this has to do with a shower. The thing is, when i wash my face and go to rinse off the soap, i picture a huge ass shark busting thru my pearly white tiles. Sometimes i even try to fight the urge to get out of the water but, i panic and have to get out even if there is still soap on my face.
4) I talk to myself quite often while i'm in the street. My lips have to be moving. I don't know why but it helps when i'm really pissed. I've started to fit myself for a straight jacket.
5) I think about sex more than men do. (ok some people might know that.)

Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun

2006-11-16T16:46:00.000-05:00

Well i have to say today has been better. I feel like the suns rays are shining on me today even though the weather is super shity.

I'm not sure what allowed me to smile today but i do suspect that it's the stupidity at work that often drives me mad. Listening to two of my "superiors" pointing the finger at each other is halarious and when you listen to them speak it adds that much more comedic relief to the situation.

Co-worker A: This was supposed to go out today and it's 3pm and he hasn't received it.

Superior A: Oh, i don't know anything about that. I ordered it and i made sure that i put "HOT RUSH" on the ticket.

Superior B *rolls his eyes and sighs loudly* Ok, fine, I take care!
(yes, he said I take care)

Superior A walks away with his tail between his legs and mumbles some shit under his breath about incompetence. (he is the leader of this team of incompetants)

Co-Worker B: Pearlgreen, gotta luv it.

This shit goes on all day long, everyday. Ahhh gotta get my shit together and get the hell outta dodge. Until then i'm gonna try to smile...ok maybe not everyday but i'll put some effort into it.

Happy B-day

2006-11-15T14:28:00.000-05:00

Today is my brothers birthday. He passed away last year and i have been really feeling it for the past month.

Today I woke up and did my usual routine but felt empty. See, last year I missed his birthday. I was supposed to visit him and didn't. When I finally saw him again it was in a hospital bed and he had been in a coma for 3 weeks. He never fully came to again and i have to say I'm feeling some guilt. My Mom says I shouldn't because i was there for him while he was sick and still here. But, I can't help it. I couldn't see him then and i can't see him today either. It almost feels like sacrilege. I should have gone to the cementary and I should have seen him on his b-day then but, whatcha gonna do.

I was actually able to have a moment where i wasn't making my brows or face frown but i couldn't fake it for long. I'm not good at faking.

Good ole' Endorphines

2006-11-11T10:19:00.000-05:00

BTW i'm still working out and running and doing Tae Bo and stuff. I feel great while I do it but after I just feel tired and sweaty. Where are all these damned endorphines that are supposed to flood my brain from all this exercise!

Damn it Billy! I hate you and your resistance bands!

este es un merengue sin letra

2006-11-11T09:41:00.000-05:00

I'm the odd man out. I keep repeating this in my head like a mantra. I'm the odd man out, I'm the odd man out, I'm the odd man out. Sometimes it changes to I'm on the outside, I'm on the outside, i'm on the outside. I'm convinced...I need therapy.

Is is too much to ask for some one to love you unconditionally or at least the way you love them? I'm sick with shame that I would love some one else more than I love myself. I don't have low self esteem or think less of myself but, i do get so involved in relationships that i loose myself. I get totally drunk in my emotions for this other individual and i can't see anything past that. How could i be a good mother or person for that matter when i can't make a decision based on what I want? This is absolutely pitiful and I know this. But how do i change?
I want to make a resolve that i will treat myself with the dignity that i know i posses but, i'm lost. How do i find myself again? How do i involve myself in activities that engage me and help me gravitate to a healthier emotional pull of myself? I can't seem to love myself the way i love others. I can't seem to help myself the way i help others. I'm guilty of being a people pleaser and a severe complainer. Two characteristics that i feel contradict each other but always seem to go hand in hand for me. I help and then (depends on who) I complain about the help i gave. *sigh* It always goes back to me sharing my life with someone. How could i possibly be so wrapped up in not being alone. Sure everyone wants happiness but i seem to be obsessed with it. Maybe everyone is but,not one seems to be as transparent as I think i seem.

I like writing here because as flawed as I may seem...scratch that, AS I AM, i'm think i'm being courageous enough to actually put them down and let total strangers hopefully feel like they aren't alone. I know i'm not the only one with these issues. I know i'm not the only one that hears and song and feels like crying enough to make a small retention pond. My emotions as well as my writing is all over the place on this one so, forgive me if i don't make sense or sound witty. I want my dry humor and extreme sarcasm to grace this blog but, I just can't do it. I know it's ok to feel vulnerable (which i do) and depressed (which i also do) for a bit but, i'm tired of these feelings.

Tell me lies tell me sweet little lies

2006-11-03T19:08:00.000-05:00

I know I'm a bum for being absent from the blog world in a whole. I haven't posted any blogs, read any blogs or so commented on any blogs. I haven't even thought about logging on. The truth is I've been down, conflicted...ehhh, let's just say I've been all over the place. Somedays i'm up and some days i'm down! I am quite the moody girl. I want to be happy all the time. I don't want to be like one of my bosses that has an eternal smile on his face even when you know something isn't right but, i do want to be able to smile without my face hurting.

But i have problems...Yes, like others, i don't seem to know who i am completely. I sometimes lie to myself. I don't like it but the truth is that it helps. Admitting this is a huge step for me. I started thinking about it this way. If i want other people to be honest with me why would i lie to myself? I mean why couldn't i come up with that before? Did it really have to take me 30yrs to figure out that lying is bad. Ok, so that's out of the way but, it brings in a host of other problems. Now i can't...no scratch that, i won't lie to myself and therefore HAVE TO fix the other stuff that is wrong with me.

So little time...

TAE BO! u can do it!

2006-09-22T01:19:00.000-04:00

Ok, I swear I felt like I was going to die today! I was breathing so heavy. I had the brilliant idea to do TAE BO today.

WTF? I can't believe I told myself that I could do TAE BO!

I am totally out of my mind. So, my two girlfriends and I decided that we would get in some workout clothes and move some furniture (since we live in little ass apts in NY) and subject ourselves to heat, pain, sweating and a shit load of panting, for the sake of "healthy living".

Honestly i think that it's a great idea that we're moving our asses and trying to get in shape. Let's face it we aren't getting any younger and personally i'm starting to feel like a savage with a piece of meat hanging from my mouth. But i think i might have thought that i was still in my 20's or something. In the past when i have decided to get moving i never had a trouble. Just got on the horse and did my thing. Well last night i warm up and stretch. Then I start the tape. I was about 10-15 min into it when i started to feel a little faint.

In my head i was like uh oh, but i wouldn't listen so i continued. Push on... push on... and then it happened. I sat down. I didn't even know that my body volunteered to sit. I didn't notice until i felt like i wanted to vomit. I saw stars in front of my eyes and then they turned into big round spots of colors. I thought i was tripping on acid but, i've never done that (i think). I know i wasn't hyperventilating or holding my breath but i felt like i was going down.

The worst part is that this is all happening in slow motion and my girls don't even notice cause they're all into Billy Blanks talking about "i want you to feel the burn. I want you to give me all you got". Apparantly I did and my body was paying for it. Somehow i picked myself up and went to the bathroom.

Teresa: shouted NO QUITTING"

Me: Screw that, i'm done

Teresa: U can't quit, we're in your house doing Tae Bo!

Jess: Yea, ur house!

Me: See this? (turning my back) this is me trying to stay alive

Jess: Drink some water u'll be fine

Teresa: do u have bananas?

Me: blink blink(continued to walking away)

Them: (in unison) BANANA POWER!

Me: (turning around) Hey Bitches! I'm about to die over here and your telling me about banana power?

Them: blink blink...

Needless to say Tae Bo night at my house is cancelled.

I want Sleep

2006-09-16T09:47:00.000-04:00

God I'm so tired. It's Saturday again and I'm in this rat hole I call work. I didn't sleep at all last night! Ok, I slept 30 min. I have got to stop doing this to myself. My body doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would have (I have lots of experience in the no sleep zone) .

So again I reiterate, Y DO WE HAVE TO BE AT WORK WHEN ALL WE DO IS CLEAN AND LISTEN TO THE DUMB SHIT THESE FUCKING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT? Ahhhh fuck it! I'm way too tired to think of a reason why. I do have to say it compels me to think though. Not enough to follow through but I think never the less.

Oh, BTW all you out there in blog land...I hate Ray DeJesus with a passion. Your all so lucky that you don't know him. Mrs. Brain Bomb i'm sorry that you have had the "pleasure" of knowing him.

Chicken Noodle Soup...w Soda on the Side

2006-09-14T13:34:00.000-04:00

What the hell is going on with the radio? Every time I turn on the tunes all I hear is the same ole thing. No, I don't mean that every thing sounds the same although, everything does; but I mean the same songs are playing over and over again. The best is when they have rediculous songs like "Chicken Noodle Soup w/ a soda on the side"

Beyonce' with this song "Ring the Alarm". It sounds like she's out of her mind. Christina or shall I say X-Tina, "Aint No Other Man" u got soul, u got class, u got style ur bad ass...Ok aside from bad grammar the shit has been played so many times that as soon as i hear the music I dive to the radio just to change the station. Lets not forget Panic at the Disco "I write sins not tragedies". I love this song but, there is nothing to it except a great hook and a catchy melody. I can rattle off a million other "artists" that are really hot right now but that aren't really contributing to music. There is a very small amount of people that are original to begin with. I know the industry thinks that we are not capable of knowing real music when we hear it and really why would they? We make song like songs "Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls appear on the top 100 of the billboard charts. Personally I think that bands like Dave Matthews Band, Gnarls Barkley, Floetry, or even Nelly Furtado should get more props for their originality. But what are you gonna do? I'll probably just keep snapping my fingers to Mr. JT's new single. I'm bringin sexy back YEAAA.

Relationships are sometimes rough

2006-09-13T16:26:00.000-04:00

Duhhhh, of course they're rough! I'm going thur it over here. I listen, give, and care for a very special person. I love him very much and I think we could really make it if only he would stop being so selfish. So basically I should stop holding my breath because that's the way he is and that's just not going to happen.
I know this lesson well. People don't change. They may make an attempt to modify their behaviour or stop destructive actions all together but the truth is that little trait always comes out and rears it's ugly little head. So what do i do about loving someone that can be incredibly kind and sensitive but sometimes forgets that there is another person that could be hurt by their actions? I don't have moments of butterflies fluttering in my stomach when he's a complete asshole. I know i can be tough to deal with...to say the least. But i can't be so bad that I actually deserve someone disregarding my feelings for a particular situation not to happen.
OK, so i'm being a lil cryptic; but i feel like a dumbass.
I hate giving everything and then feeling like i should have been as big an asshole as this dumb fuck that clearly has no idea what he's got in front of him. Whatever, I give on trying to figure out men. I'm sure they feel the same way about women but fuck it. I am waving the white flag.

The 30 Blues

2006-09-12T09:14:00.000-04:00

Sigh...

I hate this feeling of defeat. I know I'm only 30 but it seems so done. Stuck at a dead end job, live in a rat hole with people that think it's great because...I don't know why, but trust me it sucks! I want things to be easy just for a little while.

I'm sitting at work with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO. My superior is a spineless jellyfish and can't tell his asshole from his elbow.

My sons father is just... there are so many things I can say about him. I'm surrounded by stupidity and down right laziness. Get your asses up and do something with you lives.

Me I'm stuck in the middle. Trying to finish school but it's going slowly. Trying to do better at work but I can't do much about that. I come in on time and do all that is asked of me (except keep my "attitude" in check). I come home straight after work, help my son with homework, feed him, bathe him, read him a book and get him to bed. Then I'm left to my own devices after he falls asleep.

That's the thing. I sit down to write and I'm not inspired. There's lots to be inspired about but these things just don't inspire me. I think about how much worse my life can be. But that just makes it worse because I see how much I haven't accomplished. Then I start thinking about my brother. That's the worse. I cry and look at his picture and wonder what things would have been like if he had made different decisions. Usually from there I think about how lucky I am that I'm still here but I just revert to the same kind of thinking. It's a vicious cycle I tell you.

I'm not motivated or determined enough to follow through on much. There are times when I feel very enthusiastic about thought and "plans" that I would like to follow. But in the long run I fall short of my goals. The only thing I've been able to follow through on is being miserable. I'm not one of those people that loves to agonize over the bad things that has happened. But I have to say it's beginning to be a routine these days.

So, what do I do? I started running in the morning. It's working to my surprise. I'm not doing it for the benefit of exercise. I just need to get my mind moving again. When I run I think. When I think I get ideas. When I get ideas I become motivated and determined to complete a task. I'm not quite sure what my task is but I'm sure I'll come to me. IT HAS TO, and if not then I'll atleast loose some weight.

Yes, I am a Weekend Warrior

2006-09-11T15:59:00.000-04:00

DAMN IT! I walked in on Saturday and wondered to myself WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING AT WORK ON SATURDAY! I was informed when I first received my "promotion" that there was absolutely no wiggle room when it came to Saturdays. Well ok, there I was and I didn't understand why any of us would have to be there. I think it's a conspiracy! I believe that Larry Greenberg (owner) just wants us not only to lose sleep but clean his place of business free of charge. There is nothing to do on Saturday! There is nothing to do on Saturday that we couldn't do on Monday! I hate being poor therefore, I will wake up at the crack of dawn like my son. But instead of eating cereal and dumbing out on stupid ass but hilarious cartoons I'll be at THE industrial supply company... CLEANING AND DODGING THE DRUNK FUCKS THAT CAME IN FROM A LONG NIGHT OF DEBAUCHERY. FUCKING BASTARDS! Yes i do feel like this poor guy stuck in this motion until the link breaks. Did i say they were FUCKING BASTARDS?

I'm Stuck

2006-09-05T15:18:00.000-04:00

I don't know what the hell to do with my life. I am caught between responsibility and my dreams.
I'm not even sure what my dreams are. I don't have the normal everyday aspirations. I want to be successful and wealthy. I want my son to be happy and proud of his mother. But how can I do that if I don't know which way to go. How to do it? Anyway you get the jist of it, i'm screwed.
I am dying at my current place of employment. I've searched for a new place to bring my sunny disposition (HA, those of you who know me are laughing with me) but, i truely don't know where i would fit.

Vacation...Not planing a move!

2006-08-28T09:52:00.000-04:00

Ok well i know i have a lot of catching up to do but i'm just gonna wing it. First of all, i had the best vacation. I took my son to florida (his father was there too). We didn't do the theme park thing but, we did hang out. We sat by the pool and the beach. We went to the movies, played some mini golf, went to Chucky Cheese etc... It was great! I didn't feel obligated to please anyone but my son. Luckily whatever I chose for him to do he was happy with. At times his father (who shall remain nameless simply because the sound of his name makes me want to regurgitate) aggrivated me. See he has moved to Florida and now wants me and my son to move to Florida too. Vacationing in Florida is totally diffrent from living there...and I just don't want to live there!
On several occasions he begged me to move to Orlando specifically and I would just look at him. I don't understand why he thought i was going to give him a different answer but it just wasn't going to happen.
Anyway, my 2nd vacation was awesome. It was so relaxing and exciting. I couldn't stop smiling and i have to say i am soooo in love. I don't want to give much detail cause as soon as i start blabbing it gets all messed up. Anyway i know this post was lame but i'll get back into the saddle soon enough.

Lance Bass Is Gay....No

2006-07-26T10:19:00.000-04:00

Was this a surprise to anyone? And why is this front page news?
It's really a shitty world when the guy from a boy band is bangin' some guy from the amazing race and we just have to know.

Why didn't my uncle receive unabashed support from the press and commended for his bravery when he came out of the closet? He wasn't touted for being a role model to those that were frightened of doing the same.
People are...Someone help me with the word. Well, ok stupid and nosy. Why is it so important that someone proclaim that they are gay. I don't go around saying "I'M STRAIGHT, I'M STRAIGHT". I mean who cares who i bang! (well ok, it would be juicy if i was bangin' someone from work) But really, why do i want to know that the ex-boy bander likes to get it up the ass. I don't care that he wants to go to space and i def don't give a shit if he's a bend over buddy, a fudge packer, or any other derogatory names.

Hey Lance you go boooy! Get your freak on!

The Power is in the Urn

2006-07-14T08:22:00.000-04:00

Today we will recieve my brothers ashes. I don't know how to feel about that. I keep telling myself that if he's home that I'll be ok. The truth is i don't know how to feel. As the days have passed i have had the honor of serving friends and family that have passed by to pay their respects...and eat my food. The conversation goes a little like this.

Them: Hi, how are you feeling?

Me: You know, trying to take it one day at a time.

Them: I'm so sorry, my condolences. Hey do you think i can have a coke with some ice? (Ususally it happens in one breath)

Me: Blink Blink, sure lemme get that for you.

I just don't get it. Anyway, i'm having all this feeling of killing these people with my bear hands when my mom walks in. She tells me "Isis i spoke with the funeral home and they won't have the ashes ready until monday". Of course i look at her with the face and "yeah ok" her. I just felt this huge wave of relief. I didn't want her to know but i think that the wrinkles disappearing from my forehead and the quick but noticable sigh gave it away. She put her hand on my shoulder and said I know, me too.

I continued serving the "concerned" but i felt like i had dishornored my brother in some way for feeling like i was glad that he did come "home". How do you feel guilt and exculpation at the same time? I'll leave that for you to ponder. I still haven't found the answer.

And then there were two

2006-07-12T13:30:00.000-04:00

My brother Eddie died on 7-10 at 2:30 in the morning. He was very sick and we all knew that eventually he would pass.
The passing of a loved one is tricky. You want them to go softly into the night without pain or suffering (and he did). However, I learned that the living stay behind and muster the strength to remember the good times and even some of the bad as a way to cope with hurt of the emptiness left by this individual.
I prayed and pleaded to God for a small miracle at the beginning of this ordeal. I asked him to please allow him to get better so that he could see how much we loved him. God gave me just that. Everytime my brother was in gravely ill in the hospital he would pull through but just enough. He couldn't speak, walk, or move. He loved to eat but now he couldn't even taste the zesty concoktions that he had loved so much. We used to call him the human disposal. Everything in his path was consumed. Now he ate out of a tube and the rich flavors that danced on his tounge at one time would never pass his lips again. He was totally incapacitated and relied on other people to do the things that he used to do for himself. I know he would have hated that...who wouldn't hate that? See, Eddie was such a free spirt. He did terrible things all the time but he usually did those things to himself. We were always there to pick up the pieces. We always demonstrated that being an addict, thief, liar, or having AIDS would never stop us from embracing him or the positive things that he brought to our circle.

He was one of the funniest people that i knew. He always put a smile on my face (even if i wouldn't let him always see it). He was gentle beyond belief and was always loving and affectionate. Athletic and very handsome, he always drew a crowd. He drew like a God. His inspiration was usually his family. It's odd because he was always running from us. Maybe he was afraid of loving and losing; like he did so long ago as a small boy when he lost his mother. Perhaps he couldn't deal with the unconditional love that we dispensed everytime he was down and out. But my little prayer did some thing tremendous. It allowed him to experience first hand how much we love him. He couldn't run. He couldn't ignore the actions. He just received everything that we gave.

One of last times that he was in the hospital he and I sat with eachother and talked. I spoke with words, he spoke with expression. Often he tried answer. He didn't a voice, but I understood. I told him of the memories that we made long ago and he laughed like i hadn't heard in a long time. I told him i love him and he mouthed that he loved me too. We cried together and held hands. I knew that there wouldn't be another moment in his life or mine that he would ever doubt my love for him or that of my family.

Not even death will stop me from loving him. RIP Eddie. See you later.

I Rant...

2006-06-27T08:30:00.000-04:00

Good Morning/Afternoon All. I feel (inhale) rejuvenated (and exhale). Ok, maybe I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. I have nothing to look forward to at work but oddly enough I feel like I've had a healthy helping of sleep and a side order of attitude adjustment.
I don't know what's gotten into me but I have to say I think it's reality. My head is always in the clouds. Most of the time I know what's going on in the real world but I usually I end up thinking of wonderful outcomes to situations I know will not fix themselves.
A customer just informed me how wrong it is that I received a promotion but am still at my old position. Made me a little feel sick to my stomach but, whatcha gonna do. I'm tired of belly aching about the same things. I thought about the logic I dispensed to my boss about this situation is useless because I'm still going to obligated to deal with being the receptionist for the time being.

Other things I've thought about this morning are...Irons. I was ironing my shirt when I see this huge black steak on the collar (I'm attempting not to look like a complete vagrant). I was pissed. I didn't know where it came from. I look at the bottom of my iron and there it was! Black gue all over the bottom of my iron. I suspect who had a hand ruining my iron but I can't confirm so I won't point any accusatory fingers. Anyway I shrug my shoulders and say "screw it". I scratched off the black stuff and keep it moving. Onto bigger things like the rain... Why do I feel like I live in Seattle instead of NYC? NO MORE RAIN DAMN IT! <--- nothing else to say on this subject...guess it wasn't that big of an issue after all. There are other subjects that i woud love to ramble on about though i'm question my own sanity right now. Whatever, if I can't rant here where can i rant? People on cell phones (i know everyone has something to say about this). If your on the train and your about to go underground pls don't start yelling "hello, hellooo, can you hear me?" No fuckers they can't hear you, YOUR UNDERGROUND!

Ok, that's it for now but don't fret i will be back soon to continue my bitching and complaining.

In Addition...

2006-06-26T15:29:00.000-04:00

I was so pissed off this morning that my pimples burst on their own! I didn't even think that was possible. Yes i am and adult and i do have acne. I already tried a bunch of shit to clear it. Some of it worked but i truely feel that this place has got it in for me.

Although i'm moaning and groaning now, i've made it my business to get the hell outta dodge. I'm focused and nothing will stop me!

I HATE THIS FUCKING JOB

2006-06-26T11:01:00.000-04:00

All blogging on other subjects have come to a grinding halt. I hate my job. Why should I be different from the millions of other lackeys that hate their place of employment? Well...I'm not. But these fucking bastards have just let the last straw fall on this camels back!

This morning I was informed that I will NOT be receiving my raise until there is a replacement for my position (receptionist/slave). Great...I'll be waiting for the end of the fucking century until someone is in enough despair to say "hey, I know I'll be miserable but fuck it I need to feed my family". I swore I wouldn't stay here too but, I saw promise. God I must have been out of my mind. I actually got too comfortable. It was convenient. So now not only do I have to wait for a replacement to get my raise but I also have to wait to actually get my position because someone else may not like the one given to them or he might not get the job done like they want it.

FUCK I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE. I was so upset this morning I walked out for a min cause I thought I was going to blow up into tiny pieces. Actually I thought I was going to scream so loud in Larry's face (owner) that he would have blown up into little tiny pieces.
I don't know how to feel anymore. I mean do I look like a dumbass? Scratch that, I must look like a dumbass because I agreed to wait for someone else to fit into a position in order to get a "promotion". What was I thinking? Even now I don't want to let my family down but, I really don't think I can make it here much longer. I don't want to stay here and my job search doesn't seem to be going very well. But I have to say I don't feel like I am of any value here. Every time I look at the big picture I can't find myself.

I just had a very brief talk with "Da Man". He's going to continue to keep me down while he collects his $$$ millions $$$.

Larry: Be patient

Me: Look how long it took for you to give me an "opportunity". I only got this supposed opportunity because I talked to you about not wanting to be stagnant in a position that didn't challenge me or interest me anymore. I only want to be given a chance for advancement and show that I'm worth the chance.

Larry:Well we are trying to give you that opportunity but you have to be patient. I understand that you have been and you've made changes that we have asked of you but this all takes time.

Yea well I don't have time to get my dick sucked every time I go up there. So FUCK HIM AND FUCK PEARLGREEN. I better not be asked to do anything that isn't in my fucking job description cause they aren't going to like the answer. I'm tired of putting out the fucking welcome mat. I don't care if I get a fucking minimum wage job. I'M FUCKING OUTTA HERE!

Quiters Never Win and Winners Never Quit... Who ever made up this shitty cliche' never finshed anything!

2006-06-21T01:51:00.000-04:00

Short rant for all of you out there in blog land.

People that can't hack it (shit in general) always say that they aren't "quitters". They ALWAYS quit though they have just proclaimed that they wouldn't! What's to prove anyway? If you can't do something don't blame it on someone else, realize that you lack that capability or skill to complete certain tasks in life. For instance if your a new receptionist and you aren't quite getting things right, don't get mad and blame others or say that you are not being allowed enough time to "get it". Pls understand that not everyone can multi task, speak correct english, or answer a phone call without the person on the other end calling back and making a remark like..oh, i thought you were closed today! Pls understand that not everyone is cut out to actually sit in a seat and WORK! Pls understand that someone speaking about you in spanish is not considered VODOO (was she serious?)by any means but that whatever is being said about you is not for your listening pleasure. Ok now on to the drain bamaged asshole that hired the "poor girl". He's...I am at a lose for words. He is simply incapable us understanding that someone with an accent couldn't possiblly be a great receptionist like he wants because NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HER AND SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ANYONE!

Damn it! I'm gonna be doomed at this position 4ever! Pleeeease let me find a new job soon.

Greatful for what?

2006-06-08T15:52:00.000-04:00

I know i have more than others and i should be "greatful" but, i swear i need to move from the squalor i call home. As soon as i step on my block my stomach beings to ache and i want to cry. My neighborhood is neither good or bad. Every year we have to add a diffrent name up on the blank wall that keeps being painted over to "honor and remember" another dumbass that didn't know how to keep himself out of trouble. Kids are rude, disrespectful and on their own. I feel bad that they don't have parents like I did. Even the most permissive parents where still better than the babies that are raising babies now. I'm always warning my grandma that one day one of these kids are gonna throw a rock at her head and that will be that. (long story...too long to get into)

Anyway, the conditions of the neiborhood are no better. Garbage strewn everwhere. Tenants throwing dirty diapers out of windows...I mean WTF is there not a garbage can in your house? I'm sure it's just too difficult to get to it. BASTARDS! Everybody complains and bitches about how dirty everything is and how we live in the ghetto, but it doesn't have to be that way. If you don't like it don't contribute and things will get better. The more people keep there garbage in the garbage can the cleaner our sourroundings will be...DUUHHHH!

Another thing, why the fuck can't bitches keep there there skanky asses in clothes that is appropriate? Why in the world does the 47yr old spanish mom with 5 kids think she looks good enough to wear a red belly shirt and spandex...IN YELLOW! The bitch has "banastas" (spanish and i don't even know if that's a real word but, it's saggy ass lovehandles on the side of your waist). Her kids are running like wild animals in the street about to get run over by some idiot that is driving waaaay too fast on a residencial street. He doesn't give a shit if he runs someone over or not... he just got a new car and he just has to show off how fast it goes. Mean while there is some poor unsuspecting woman that is loaded with groceries and is about to be mauled by the leader of the "Lord of the Flies". Then his fat ass inappropriatly dressed welfare recipant mom has the nerve to yell at the hard working lady just trying to get home in one piece! Bastards!

There is soooo much going wrong. Why can't they see? Why can't they understand that working is good and that education is important. Use your damn brains people, make something of yourselves other than the images that the news and "da man" want everyone to see. OK, my rant is over.

Crack Kills

2006-06-02T16:13:00.000-04:00

Ok, people are just fucking out of there minds. I have a co-worker who is ALWAYS out of his seat. It doesn't matter how busy it is, he's up! Today as there was a monsoon coming down from the heavens; this man is outside looking at DVD's. :o/ WTF! SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND AT LEAST ACT LIKE YOUR DOING SOME WORK.

Why in the world do people think that when you get to work it's time to socialize? A chat here and there is ok. But, having an hour long conversation about how somebody's husband is and asshole and someone's wife is a bitch really shouldn't be the topic of conversation the moment you walk in the door. Is it so difficult to actually get some work done b/4 you order breakfast for the whole office? For crying out loud, if your mouth is full of food pls oh pls don't answer the phone. Another thing...why do the people that smoke have a smoke break but the people that don't sit their asses at their desk and pick up the slack for the living chimney's. I don't smoke or have a car but it seems that if you have either you get to have an abundance of breaks that you weren't allowed to take in the first place but are taking it anyway!

Then of course there are the rumor mills that are always a churnin' in this place. I just wanna disappear. I hate people and I hate people that I work with even more (Glenda you know your not part of this clan). Personally I think people should only talk when they have something really important to say or if they're dying. Ok, maybe you should talk at other times too but damn does everyone really have so much to say... Haven't they ever heard the saying, SILENCE IS GOLDEN.

DAMN IT TO HELL!

2006-06-01T12:55:00.000-04:00

I HAT THE FUCKING FUCKERS AT THE TOP. (Yes, the bastards at my job). I was approached with an opportunity for "advancement". These bastards come at me and say "We want stooly 1 to go out in the field and see customers. We want you to cover for him. If stooly 1 likes the sales position then you (stooly 2) will get the position!" Sounds great for me doesn't it! Adavancement contingent on whether or not someone else likes their new position. Bastards. It's funny cause they even tried to make it seem like they were doing me a favor by telling me this. I swear i have to get the fuck outta her as soon as possible.
I am going to take the position but, only because it comes with a raise and they wont take it away if I have to return to the most coveted position in all of the land....RECEPTIONIST. Great now i'm gonna have to work with No Balls! AND THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMING.

The flutter of my heart tells me so

2006-05-22T23:04:00.000-04:00

Have you ever given someone that look that says don't leave me, stay and make me feel this way 4ever. I have. I have missed him so much that when i'm with him I won't turn my head for fear of missing him again.
I wonder y u looked at her. Is that what you want? Yes, I know you want me...But is she what your looking at and not me? So I'm looking at you with the look that says don't leave me, stay and make my heart dance with happiness. I can try to be what you see but, that's just not me. At the end of the day it's me...the familiar face, the knotty hair, comfortable clothes, ratty sneaks and the same ole bag that I've had since I learned that I could never leave home without it. That's who i am and that's who i'll be. My ever changing thoughts will never change my heart and how much it loves your tender heart, your brilliant mind and the gentle soul that not many get to see.
I know you looked at her but it's me that you see. The flutter of my heart tells me so when you look at me in that way that says don't leave me, stay and make me feel this way 4ever.

A Lifetime of Servitude

2006-05-22T14:07:00.000-04:00

<----This is what the rest of my life will consist of if i continue to think like most of the female population over 7. They have influenced me so much that i have broken down and purchased the "highly recommended" MAC MAKEUP!
Ok, obviously EVERYONE that wears makeup is not obsessed with being ultra feminine or looking like a $2 hooker. But life as i know it is over or shall i say the natural look is over for me. Several months ago my face broke out. I had a cluster of pimples on my forehead which decided to travel like the nomads to other parts of my face. I didn't know what to do. I never had this problem before! I washed with all types of soaps, used topical acne ointments with sylic acid (sounds like it would eat my face off) and benzoyl peroxide, drank so much water i thought i was going to evaporate and finally gave in and went to a dermatologist. Aside from stress he said my work enviroment was contributing to the problem big time. As if i needed anymore fuel to add the fire when it came to work. So now i'm washing my face with some tingly soap that makes me giggle three times a day.
My whole life i've been au natural. I didn't know how to apply makeup nor did i have any desire to learn but, i started to consider it. I hated looking like a pre-teen going through puberty and although the makeup wouldn't hide the bumps it would definitely hide the scars. My close friends started to get on me about how i was almost 30 and didn't wear any makeup. I thought i looked ok even with the blemishes. It was almost like a chant everytime i saw them...You know your not a little girl anymore. (no duh fuckers) All i could do was roll my eyes and wonder why they were so eager for me to be "grown up". Personally i started to feel insecure of my already damaged face and felt like they were being a huge pain in my ass.
Anyway they broke me. For mothers day two of my friends and I went to macys and made me look different. It wasn't half bad. I purchased a concealer and press powder but when they started throwing eye shadow, mascara, eye pencils and they ever important lash curler i drew the line. I couldn't take it anymore!
We left and tried out my new face at a job interview the next day. I HATED IT. I felt like i couldn't even blink. Then i got to work...the asses. Comments ranged from u look great to your glowing (wasn 't really sure about that one). I felt like a disturbed plankton. Anyway i've run out of time. Till next time...

My First Love

2006-05-18T19:33:00.000-04:00

Ok, so this is my first time blogging here. It's not like I've never done this b/4 but starting anew is a little nerve racking.

I am an avid complainer and I'm not ashamed to say so. I LOVE it, especially when I have company. As the saying goes, misery loves company! I'm not miserable any more but I still love to complain. It's the best topic of conversation... For instance, here's an opening to a conversation. "Hey, I haven't seen you in a min., How have you been? Ahhh, you know how it is,, just trying to survive" Although most of us are trying to survive only a true complainer would say something to someone they haven't seen in a while. I guess in that aspect I'm not a true complainer. I guard my complaints with my life but if you know me, boy I feel sorry for you. U're in for a marathon.

I know this guy and he always says to me "why complain if you're not going to do anything about it?" The answer is simple BECAUSE I LOVE IT!