The 30 Blues

Sigh...

I hate this feeling of defeat. I know I'm only 30 but it seems so done. Stuck at a dead end job, live in a rat hole with people that think it's great because...I don't know why, but trust me it sucks! I want things to be easy just for a little while.

I'm sitting at work with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO. My superior is a spineless jellyfish and can't tell his asshole from his elbow.

My sons father is just... there are so many things I can say about him. I'm surrounded by stupidity and down right laziness. Get your asses up and do something with you lives.

Me I'm stuck in the middle. Trying to finish school but it's going slowly. Trying to do better at work but I can't do much about that. I come in on time and do all that is asked of me (except keep my "attitude" in check). I come home straight after work, help my son with homework, feed him, bathe him, read him a book and get him to bed. Then I'm left to my own devices after he falls asleep.

That's the thing. I sit down to write and I'm not inspired. There's lots to be inspired about but these things just don't inspire me. I think about how much worse my life can be. But that just makes it worse because I see how much I haven't accomplished. Then I start thinking about my brother. That's the worse. I cry and look at his picture and wonder what things would have been like if he had made different decisions. Usually from there I think about how lucky I am that I'm still here but I just revert to the same kind of thinking. It's a vicious cycle I tell you.

I'm not motivated or determined enough to follow through on much. There are times when I feel very enthusiastic about thought and "plans" that I would like to follow. But in the long run I fall short of my goals. The only thing I've been able to follow through on is being miserable. I'm not one of those people that loves to agonize over the bad things that has happened. But I have to say it's beginning to be a routine these days.

So, what do I do? I started running in the morning. It's working to my surprise. I'm not doing it for the benefit of exercise. I just need to get my mind moving again. When I run I think. When I think I get ideas. When I get ideas I become motivated and determined to complete a task. I'm not quite sure what my task is but I'm sure I'll come to me. IT HAS TO, and if not then I'll atleast loose some weight.