Let's Partay!

Saturday night. The night of debouchery as I like to call it, It was absolutely fabulous! I really needed a night with my girls.

We got there and of course we got comped. at the door thanks to our resident party girl Danielle (red lipstick). Being able to go out on a Saturday night and only spending about $20 in NYC is a feat in and of it's self, but that's exactly what i did. I have a son so i don't go out with the girls as often as i would like but it was so much fun. I hadn't seen some of the girls in quite a while and it was great to reunite. We were given 2 bottles of crystal on the house and several drinks were paid for each of us (i didn't drink). My 20 was literally spent on gratuities.

I had begun to write a bunch of stuff about that night but honestly the only thing that really sticks out was the smiles and happiness that we gave to each other. Everyone should have friends like these.

What Part of Thanksgiving are you?

You Are Mashed Potatoes

Oridnary, comforting, and more than a little predictableYou're the glue that holds everyone together.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?
Especially this year.

5 things most people don't know about me

Five Things Most People Don’t Know About Me:

1) I dance half naked with reckless abandon in my living room when i want to blow off some steam.
2) I'm convinced i have ocd. I bathe excessively and feel filthy almost as soon as i get out of the shower.
3) Staying in the shower theme, I am deathly afraid of sharks. I know your wondering what this has to do with a shower. The thing is, when i wash my face and go to rinse off the soap, i picture a huge ass shark busting thru my pearly white tiles. Sometimes i even try to fight the urge to get out of the water but, i panic and have to get out even if there is still soap on my face.
4) I talk to myself quite often while i'm in the street. My lips have to be moving. I don't know why but it helps when i'm really pissed. I've started to fit myself for a straight jacket.
5) I think about sex more than men do. (ok some people might know that.)

Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun

Well i have to say today has been better. I feel like the suns rays are shining on me today even though the weather is super shity.

I'm not sure what allowed me to smile today but i do suspect that it's the stupidity at work that often drives me mad. Listening to two of my "superiors" pointing the finger at each other is halarious and when you listen to them speak it adds that much more comedic relief to the situation.

Co-worker A: This was supposed to go out today and it's 3pm and he hasn't received it.

Superior A: Oh, i don't know anything about that. I ordered it and i made sure that i put "HOT RUSH" on the ticket.

Superior B *rolls his eyes and sighs loudly* Ok, fine, I take care!
(yes, he said I take care)

Superior A walks away with his tail between his legs and mumbles some shit under his breath about incompetence. (he is the leader of this team of incompetants)

Co-Worker B: Pearlgreen, gotta luv it.

This shit goes on all day long, everyday. Ahhh gotta get my shit together and get the hell outta dodge. Until then i'm gonna try to smile...ok maybe not everyday but i'll put some effort into it.

Happy B-day

Today is my brothers birthday. He passed away last year and i have been really feeling it for the past month.

Today I woke up and did my usual routine but felt empty. See, last year I missed his birthday. I was supposed to visit him and didn't. When I finally saw him again it was in a hospital bed and he had been in a coma for 3 weeks. He never fully came to again and i have to say I'm feeling some guilt. My Mom says I shouldn't because i was there for him while he was sick and still here. But, I can't help it. I couldn't see him then and i can't see him today either. It almost feels like sacrilege. I should have gone to the cementary and I should have seen him on his b-day then but, whatcha gonna do.

I was actually able to have a moment where i wasn't making my brows or face frown but i couldn't fake it for long. I'm not good at faking.

Good ole' Endorphines

BTW i'm still working out and running and doing Tae Bo and stuff. I feel great while I do it but after I just feel tired and sweaty. Where are all these damned endorphines that are supposed to flood my brain from all this exercise!

Damn it Billy! I hate you and your resistance bands!

este es un merengue sin letra

I'm the odd man out. I keep repeating this in my head like a mantra. I'm the odd man out, I'm the odd man out, I'm the odd man out. Sometimes it changes to I'm on the outside, I'm on the outside, i'm on the outside. I'm convinced...I need therapy.

Is is too much to ask for some one to love you unconditionally or at least the way you love them? I'm sick with shame that I would love some one else more than I love myself. I don't have low self esteem or think less of myself but, i do get so involved in relationships that i loose myself. I get totally drunk in my emotions for this other individual and i can't see anything past that. How could i be a good mother or person for that matter when i can't make a decision based on what I want? This is absolutely pitiful and I know this. But how do i change?
I want to make a resolve that i will treat myself with the dignity that i know i posses but, i'm lost. How do i find myself again? How do i involve myself in activities that engage me and help me gravitate to a healthier emotional pull of myself? I can't seem to love myself the way i love others. I can't seem to help myself the way i help others. I'm guilty of being a people pleaser and a severe complainer. Two characteristics that i feel contradict each other but always seem to go hand in hand for me. I help and then (depends on who) I complain about the help i gave. *sigh* It always goes back to me sharing my life with someone. How could i possibly be so wrapped up in not being alone. Sure everyone wants happiness but i seem to be obsessed with it. Maybe everyone is but,not one seems to be as transparent as I think i seem.

I like writing here because as flawed as I may seem...scratch that, AS I AM, i'm think i'm being courageous enough to actually put them down and let total strangers hopefully feel like they aren't alone. I know i'm not the only one with these issues. I know i'm not the only one that hears and song and feels like crying enough to make a small retention pond. My emotions as well as my writing is all over the place on this one so, forgive me if i don't make sense or sound witty. I want my dry humor and extreme sarcasm to grace this blog but, I just can't do it. I know it's ok to feel vulnerable (which i do) and depressed (which i also do) for a bit but, i'm tired of these feelings.

Tell me lies tell me sweet little lies

I know I'm a bum for being absent from the blog world in a whole. I haven't posted any blogs, read any blogs or so commented on any blogs. I haven't even thought about logging on. The truth is I've been down, conflicted...ehhh, let's just say I've been all over the place. Somedays i'm up and some days i'm down! I am quite the moody girl. I want to be happy all the time. I don't want to be like one of my bosses that has an eternal smile on his face even when you know something isn't right but, i do want to be able to smile without my face hurting.

But i have problems...Yes, like others, i don't seem to know who i am completely. I sometimes lie to myself. I don't like it but the truth is that it helps. Admitting this is a huge step for me. I started thinking about it this way. If i want other people to be honest with me why would i lie to myself? I mean why couldn't i come up with that before? Did it really have to take me 30yrs to figure out that lying is bad. Ok, so that's out of the way but, it brings in a host of other problems. Now i can't...no scratch that, i won't lie to myself and therefore HAVE TO fix the other stuff that is wrong with me.

So little time...