este es un merengue sin letra

I'm the odd man out. I keep repeating this in my head like a mantra. I'm the odd man out, I'm the odd man out, I'm the odd man out. Sometimes it changes to I'm on the outside, I'm on the outside, i'm on the outside. I'm convinced...I need therapy.

Is is too much to ask for some one to love you unconditionally or at least the way you love them? I'm sick with shame that I would love some one else more than I love myself. I don't have low self esteem or think less of myself but, i do get so involved in relationships that i loose myself. I get totally drunk in my emotions for this other individual and i can't see anything past that. How could i be a good mother or person for that matter when i can't make a decision based on what I want? This is absolutely pitiful and I know this. But how do i change?
I want to make a resolve that i will treat myself with the dignity that i know i posses but, i'm lost. How do i find myself again? How do i involve myself in activities that engage me and help me gravitate to a healthier emotional pull of myself? I can't seem to love myself the way i love others. I can't seem to help myself the way i help others. I'm guilty of being a people pleaser and a severe complainer. Two characteristics that i feel contradict each other but always seem to go hand in hand for me. I help and then (depends on who) I complain about the help i gave. *sigh* It always goes back to me sharing my life with someone. How could i possibly be so wrapped up in not being alone. Sure everyone wants happiness but i seem to be obsessed with it. Maybe everyone is but,not one seems to be as transparent as I think i seem.

I like writing here because as flawed as I may seem...scratch that, AS I AM, i'm think i'm being courageous enough to actually put them down and let total strangers hopefully feel like they aren't alone. I know i'm not the only one with these issues. I know i'm not the only one that hears and song and feels like crying enough to make a small retention pond. My emotions as well as my writing is all over the place on this one so, forgive me if i don't make sense or sound witty. I want my dry humor and extreme sarcasm to grace this blog but, I just can't do it. I know it's ok to feel vulnerable (which i do) and depressed (which i also do) for a bit but, i'm tired of these feelings.