TAE BO! u can do it!

Ok, I swear I felt like I was going to die today! I was breathing so heavy. I had the brilliant idea to do TAE BO today.

WTF? I can't believe I told myself that I could do TAE BO!

I am totally out of my mind. So, my two girlfriends and I decided that we would get in some workout clothes and move some furniture (since we live in little ass apts in NY) and subject ourselves to heat, pain, sweating and a shit load of panting, for the sake of "healthy living".

Honestly i think that it's a great idea that we're moving our asses and trying to get in shape. Let's face it we aren't getting any younger and personally i'm starting to feel like a savage with a piece of meat hanging from my mouth. But i think i might have thought that i was still in my 20's or something. In the past when i have decided to get moving i never had a trouble. Just got on the horse and did my thing. Well last night i warm up and stretch. Then I start the tape. I was about 10-15 min into it when i started to feel a little faint.

In my head i was like uh oh, but i wouldn't listen so i continued. Push on... push on... and then it happened. I sat down. I didn't even know that my body volunteered to sit. I didn't notice until i felt like i wanted to vomit. I saw stars in front of my eyes and then they turned into big round spots of colors. I thought i was tripping on acid but, i've never done that (i think). I know i wasn't hyperventilating or holding my breath but i felt like i was going down.

The worst part is that this is all happening in slow motion and my girls don't even notice cause they're all into Billy Blanks talking about "i want you to feel the burn. I want you to give me all you got". Apparantly I did and my body was paying for it. Somehow i picked myself up and went to the bathroom.

Teresa: shouted NO QUITTING"

Me: Screw that, i'm done

Teresa: U can't quit, we're in your house doing Tae Bo!

Jess: Yea, ur house!

Me: See this? (turning my back) this is me trying to stay alive

Jess: Drink some water u'll be fine

Teresa: do u have bananas?

Me: blink blink(continued to walking away)

Them: (in unison) BANANA POWER!

Me: (turning around) Hey Bitches! I'm about to die over here and your telling me about banana power?

Them: blink blink...

Needless to say Tae Bo night at my house is cancelled.

I want Sleep

God I'm so tired. It's Saturday again and I'm in this rat hole I call work. I didn't sleep at all last night! Ok, I slept 30 min. I have got to stop doing this to myself. My body doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would have (I have lots of experience in the no sleep zone) .

So again I reiterate, Y DO WE HAVE TO BE AT WORK WHEN ALL WE DO IS CLEAN AND LISTEN TO THE DUMB SHIT THESE FUCKING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT? Ahhhh fuck it! I'm way too tired to think of a reason why. I do have to say it compels me to think though. Not enough to follow through but I think never the less.

Oh, BTW all you out there in blog land...I hate Ray DeJesus with a passion. Your all so lucky that you don't know him. Mrs. Brain Bomb i'm sorry that you have had the "pleasure" of knowing him.

Chicken Noodle Soup...w Soda on the Side

What the hell is going on with the radio? Every time I turn on the tunes all I hear is the same ole thing. No, I don't mean that every thing sounds the same although, everything does; but I mean the same songs are playing over and over again. The best is when they have rediculous songs like "Chicken Noodle Soup w/ a soda on the side"

Beyonce' with this song "Ring the Alarm". It sounds like she's out of her mind. Christina or shall I say X-Tina, "Aint No Other Man" u got soul, u got class, u got style ur bad ass...Ok aside from bad grammar the shit has been played so many times that as soon as i hear the music I dive to the radio just to change the station. Lets not forget Panic at the Disco "I write sins not tragedies". I love this song but, there is nothing to it except a great hook and a catchy melody. I can rattle off a million other "artists" that are really hot right now but that aren't really contributing to music. There is a very small amount of people that are original to begin with. I know the industry thinks that we are not capable of knowing real music when we hear it and really why would they? We make song like songs "Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls appear on the top 100 of the billboard charts. Personally I think that bands like Dave Matthews Band, Gnarls Barkley, Floetry, or even Nelly Furtado should get more props for their originality. But what are you gonna do? I'll probably just keep snapping my fingers to Mr. JT's new single. I'm bringin sexy back YEAAA.

Relationships are sometimes rough

Duhhhh, of course they're rough! I'm going thur it over here. I listen, give, and care for a very special person. I love him very much and I think we could really make it if only he would stop being so selfish. So basically I should stop holding my breath because that's the way he is and that's just not going to happen.
I know this lesson well. People don't change. They may make an attempt to modify their behaviour or stop destructive actions all together but the truth is that little trait always comes out and rears it's ugly little head. So what do i do about loving someone that can be incredibly kind and sensitive but sometimes forgets that there is another person that could be hurt by their actions? I don't have moments of butterflies fluttering in my stomach when he's a complete asshole. I know i can be tough to deal with...to say the least. But i can't be so bad that I actually deserve someone disregarding my feelings for a particular situation not to happen.
OK, so i'm being a lil cryptic; but i feel like a dumbass.
I hate giving everything and then feeling like i should have been as big an asshole as this dumb fuck that clearly has no idea what he's got in front of him. Whatever, I give on trying to figure out men. I'm sure they feel the same way about women but fuck it. I am waving the white flag.

The 30 Blues

Sigh...

I hate this feeling of defeat. I know I'm only 30 but it seems so done. Stuck at a dead end job, live in a rat hole with people that think it's great because...I don't know why, but trust me it sucks! I want things to be easy just for a little while.

I'm sitting at work with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO. My superior is a spineless jellyfish and can't tell his asshole from his elbow.

My sons father is just... there are so many things I can say about him. I'm surrounded by stupidity and down right laziness. Get your asses up and do something with you lives.

Me I'm stuck in the middle. Trying to finish school but it's going slowly. Trying to do better at work but I can't do much about that. I come in on time and do all that is asked of me (except keep my "attitude" in check). I come home straight after work, help my son with homework, feed him, bathe him, read him a book and get him to bed. Then I'm left to my own devices after he falls asleep.

That's the thing. I sit down to write and I'm not inspired. There's lots to be inspired about but these things just don't inspire me. I think about how much worse my life can be. But that just makes it worse because I see how much I haven't accomplished. Then I start thinking about my brother. That's the worse. I cry and look at his picture and wonder what things would have been like if he had made different decisions. Usually from there I think about how lucky I am that I'm still here but I just revert to the same kind of thinking. It's a vicious cycle I tell you.

I'm not motivated or determined enough to follow through on much. There are times when I feel very enthusiastic about thought and "plans" that I would like to follow. But in the long run I fall short of my goals. The only thing I've been able to follow through on is being miserable. I'm not one of those people that loves to agonize over the bad things that has happened. But I have to say it's beginning to be a routine these days.

So, what do I do? I started running in the morning. It's working to my surprise. I'm not doing it for the benefit of exercise. I just need to get my mind moving again. When I run I think. When I think I get ideas. When I get ideas I become motivated and determined to complete a task. I'm not quite sure what my task is but I'm sure I'll come to me. IT HAS TO, and if not then I'll atleast loose some weight.

Yes, I am a Weekend Warrior

DAMN IT! I walked in on Saturday and wondered to myself WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING AT WORK ON SATURDAY! I was informed when I first received my "promotion" that there was absolutely no wiggle room when it came to Saturdays. Well ok, there I was and I didn't understand why any of us would have to be there. I think it's a conspiracy! I believe that Larry Greenberg (owner) just wants us not only to lose sleep but clean his place of business free of charge. There is nothing to do on Saturday! There is nothing to do on Saturday that we couldn't do on Monday! I hate being poor therefore, I will wake up at the crack of dawn like my son. But instead of eating cereal and dumbing out on stupid ass but hilarious cartoons I'll be at THE industrial supply company... CLEANING AND DODGING THE DRUNK FUCKS THAT CAME IN FROM A LONG NIGHT OF DEBAUCHERY. FUCKING BASTARDS! Yes i do feel like this poor guy stuck in this motion until the link breaks. Did i say they were FUCKING BASTARDS?

I'm Stuck

I don't know what the hell to do with my life. I am caught between responsibility and my dreams.
I'm not even sure what my dreams are. I don't have the normal everyday aspirations. I want to be successful and wealthy. I want my son to be happy and proud of his mother. But how can I do that if I don't know which way to go. How to do it? Anyway you get the jist of it, i'm screwed.
I am dying at my current place of employment. I've searched for a new place to bring my sunny disposition (HA, those of you who know me are laughing with me) but, i truely don't know where i would fit.